Retard Spikes Punch

Here is another gem from facepunch.com.

I had a birthday party that my mom threw for me and she of course sent out my invitations for me to invite all my friends from the small community. She apparently though the Tard down the street roger was one of my friends or something because he got an invitation too.

Anyways it was early in the party and we were outback jumpin on a trampoline while my mom was busying herself with preparing things. A few people had already arrived when Rog (Half the time he'd only respond to Rog, only adults could call him Roger) showed up at the door with his present in hand. No one answered the door and he let himself in. We didn't even know that he was in the house when he apparently heard the call of nature. He wasn't familiar with our house or something and couldnt find a bathroom within sight of the front door(i know its hard with these inventions called hallways) and seated himself above a punchbowl that was on the table next to the door, entirely removed his pants, and began to take a nasty tard shit, right into the punch bowl.

Just as he was mid-turtlehead pokin out several other guests arrived, and walked in to find this greasy, rib-thin guy with the happiest look on his face makin a boom-boom in my Kool-aid. At the shock of being walked in on he grabbed his gift for the part and ran out the door, without his pants, and down the street back to his house. His mom made him apologize but we still had to clean it up.

Comander Tard

I saw this on FacePunch.com. I'm not sure where it came from originally.

I'm sitting in my final period class--study hall 'cause I'm a lazy SOB-- listening to the tard in my class babble on about nothing in particular and occasionally laugh that goofy tard laugh.

You have to understand: this is in rural Pennsylvania, a few miles outside of Gettysburg, so not only is the kid retarded, but he's a redneck military lunatic. He has this camoflauge backpack that he carries with him and talks to all the time (its name, apparently, is "Commander"-- I can't make this shit up).

Anyway, he had just come from P.E. class, and he smelled worse than usual. I mean, he usually smelled like a tard that never bathed and had just taken P.E., but-- shit, today it was really bad. One of the assholes in the class (a senior) looks at him and asks why he smells so bad.

"Not me," he says.

"Not you? Then what smells so bad?"

"Lieutenant."

"Lieutenant?"

"Yup."

At this, the tard proceeds to reach into his backpack and pull out a skinned squirrel. I'm not shitting you. The thing smells like it's been in his backpack for a couple of days at this point. So he pulls this thing out of his tardpack and then--AND THEN--he starts to fucking GNAW on the squirrel's head.

Christ, it was disgusting. By this point, girls have run screaming from the room, and at least one of the guys has puked. The "study hall supervisor" (also our P.E. instructor) comes back from the bathroom amid all the racket. He comes in and sees the tard chewing on something and decides to confront the tard about it (against the rules to have food, you know).

"Hey, whatcha got the--OH, SHIT." He immediately goes into deal-with-the-fucking-tard mode and soothingly coaxes the tard into removing the squirrel from his mouth.

The tard complies, then looks right in the supervisor's eyes and says, deadpan, "Commander doesn't like Lieutenant." I don't know what happened to him after that; he was transferred out of study hall and kept in the all-tard classes from then on.

Retards Love Stretchy Things

This is an oldie but a goodie from the old Tard Blog.

I generally keep my desk locked. There are many things in there that could hurt a tard, and trust me--the first thing a tard tries to get is the thing that will hurt them the most. Paperclips, rubber bands, pushpins, white out, glue, etc; these are all magnets for curious tard hands. It is for this reason that I try not to unlock my desk unless I absolutely have to.

Today I needed an envelope for a progress letter that I was sending to a parent. I foolishly forgot to re-lock the top drawer of my desk.

Angelo has had problems before with playing with things he shouldn't. He tends to get obsessed with things that stretch when you pull them. He once almost tore the skirt off of one of his classmates because of the way it stretched. Today, because I left my desk open, he managed to get to my rubber band box while I was preparing my first group to walk to PE class.

By the end of the day he started wimpering. I repeatedly asked him what was wrong, but he wouldn't say. He just gave me a teary eyed look and said that he didn't do anything wrong.

Finally as we were lining up to leave he pulls down his pants and starts screaming.

This doesn't surprise me, as it is more common than one might imagine in a tard class. I go to hike his pants back up and ask him what was wrong. It was then that I noticed he had wrapped a rubber band around his penis several times, and that it was starting to turn purple.

I was fucking floored. I walked him down to the nurse, where she removed it and I called his mother to tell her what happened.

I decided not to punish him, I think he's punished himself enough already.

People with down syndrome sings

Put on your crash helmet and grab your drool cup and watch a concert full of tards!

Fat Autistic

Here is a video of a fat retard. He is acting Autistic. Now, this is what the adult aspie acts like.

Tard Lobotomy

so heres one a friend told me from when he went to school some years ago told in his perspective.
Obviously fake store I got from lolsaywhat.com. Its still funny.

>be 15 i think
>tard in class to help promote equality and not make tards feel different
>tard gets out pencil and sticks it up his nose
>slams head down on table and send pencil into his brain
>dies

friend swears to god this really happened and i of course believe him. and as soon as he told me i was reminded of batman when the joker does it with the black guy (but got it in the eye instead of the nose).

"magic happened" is now a phrase we use when we talk about tards because of that tards "magic trick".

Tard on the Subway

Here's a lovely story I got from lolsaywhat.com. Reminds me of an autistic friend of mine.

>at subway station
>turn corner in stairwell
>tard is crawling slowly up the stairs in animal mode
>It's just me and him
>Me: Uh... Do you... need some help?
>He stares at me
>drool trickles down his face
>I turn and keep walking
>his hand slips and he falls clean on his face
>MOOOOOOOOOOOO
>burst into laughter and run away

Fat Retard Jiggles in his Underwear

Watch this fat retard sing and jiggle his 400+ pound body. He is wearing nothing but his underwear with the shit stain in the back. Just watch the damn thing, nothing I can say can make this more funny.

Typical Aspie Doing What They do Best!

Here is a video of a typical 6-year-old Autistic. She is still in diapers. Aspies have a lot of problems toilet training. Even Christian Weston Chandler is an adult example of assburgers who still shits his pants. She communicates in nonverbal grunts. Just like your typical autistic. Watch and learn about how autistics really are!

Sex Addicted Tard is Pregnant With 20th Child

Okay, this just makes me sick with the amount of resources this sow is wasting. Yes, you guessed right if you guessed I am talking about Michelle Duggar. According to the Huffington post this nasty thing is pregnant with her 20th child!

Noone can possibly take care of 20 children! No, her solution is having the older children look after the younger ones while she gets filled up with more sperm so she can shit out her next abomination. There is not thought of stealing away the childhood of the older kids who have to watch over these children and change their shitty diapers. When you think of it, she is the white trash queen! She feeds her sex addiction and hording of babies and doesn't give a shit about anyone else.

Now, you might say she is in that cult that does not believe in birth control... at all. There are ways around this, just fuck on your period or don't fuck at all. Not an option for this lovely addict. Its convient that her cult makes her wear skirts, because she can just squat and shit out a fetus and then be back to fucking!

Here's the article to read while I go spew copious amounts of vomit: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/08/duggar-family-expecting-20-child-michelle-pregnant_n_1081530.html

Thinning Out the Tard Herd

Here's a video of the first gift we get over the Fistmas season. These Tards full of the Holiday Spirit stampede through a Target store to save a couple of bucks on a cheap toy. Of course, tards don't give a shit about anything but getting that shiny new toy! A man gets trampled by the overweight tards and well, none of the care. He's blocking the entrance so they can't get their new shiny toy!

Thank God I no longer work retail. When I did, I would see retardation like this every year. I got to see the full Holiday spirit of trampling each other, fist fighting other customers, and of course abusing employees. I do get a laugh every time one of those ass-holes get trampled. Come on, those retards don't even realize that they aren't getting much of a deal.

When I worked at Wal-Mart I would look at the markdowns. Four dollars for five dollar pyjama pants. 10 dollars for jeans which are normally 11. Yeah, my life is worth a lot more than a dollar!

Autistic Retards are Dangerous

Here is a garden variety autistic describing about how tried to run over a man with his car in 2010. He reason he had an aspie tantrum was because this man was the manager of The Game Place that banned him. He was upset because he tried to apologize and the manager would not accept his apology, so he had a tard tantrum and tried to run him over.

Then, on October 28, 2011, this butt-hurt autistic drove back up to The Game Place to start another confrontation. He was arrest. His name is Christian Chandler. November 7, 2011, will be his trial. This autistic celebrity of the Internet may spend a long time in prison. Now, its time find another autistic LOLcow to make fun of.

Black Tard Show Us How to Use the Toilet

I guess this is a big day for "her". She is using the toilet for the first time and is singing about it like a 3-year-old. I guess we should applaud this tard for learning such a valuable skill. Her handlers have less diapers to change.

Worthless Fat Fuck Says, "I'm Hungry!!"

This is a video of a fat tard. Well, she may be a genius. She gets to lay around and eat all day while slaves cater to her every obsessive desire. There is lots of lulz when she says lardassians don't eat that much and sometimes she has to force herself to eat. LOL I don't see her skipping a meal ever! Its not like this is an annorexic. No, she spends more time horizontal than I ever could. Maybe she doesn't know why she's fat. Or that food causes obesity. Let's keep that secret to ourselves!