How Autistics Work out

Try out this work out routine from the Intreweb's Asspie LOLCow ADF. What the fuck is with Autstics who think they are buffer than they are? And why do they cross dress?!

Guy falls down escalator in wheelchair

Wheelchair tard falls down an escalator. When will these retards learn to use the elevator? Hilarious as hell. I laughed like a tard and drooled!

Autistic Politics

Watch this confirmed Autistic talk about his politics. Yup, he is a communist transsexual. Why are Autistics more likely to do that transsexual shit? Seriously, it reminds me of Chris-Chan's TomGirl. Bonus footage of a pothead hippie spouting his bullshit.

Asspie Strength

From 4-Chan:

Back in middle school there was this aspie fuck named Jacob or something and we used to really fuck with him all the time. The real terrible people in our class would lead him into thinking they were friends and then start ignoring him. I think at one point he thought he was invisible because of this.Anyway for some reason we would just say "pickle" to him over and over again and he would totally flip shit about it and one time he used his asspie strength to pin some kid up against a wall. Funny shit.But a bunch of us got in trouble for harassing him or some bullshit and that's where we learned about aspergers. Now imagine that. A guidance counselor just told a bunch of immature junior high kids about asperger's syndrome, and how the kid we already fucking hate has it. That just made everything worse for him, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Super Tard Powers

Here is a funny story from 4-Chan:

In elementary school, there was this tard named Justin or something stupid like that. He was fairly harmless, but so damn gullible. I in particular liked to fuck with him. I managed to convince him that he'd float into space if he didn't put rocks in his pocket. I remember me just laughing my ass off as he frantically shoved gravel and sand into his pockets. Another time some friends and I managed to convince him if he ate a caterpillar, he'd get super speed. You know how a tard runs, clumpy and slow with their arms out like they're trying to fly? That's what he was doing, while we were all cheering and acting amazed and impressed with his 'super powers'. The last major time I messed with him was when I noticed a big rock sticking partially out of the ground. I got Justin and managed to convince him it was a dinosaur bone. He got all the other tards to help him dig it up. This went on for about a week or so before the teacher decided to come investigate the quiet congregation of tards. She talked to Justin, saying they couldn't play in the dirt. He threw his plastic spoon he had been digging with and threw a loud tantrum. Stomping, screaming, and throwing stuff while his tard friends blankly stared. The teachers had to drag him inside.Pic related, Justin was fuckin terrified of snakes.

Retard Spikes Punch

Here is another gem from facepunch.com.

I had a birthday party that my mom threw for me and she of course sent out my invitations for me to invite all my friends from the small community. She apparently though the Tard down the street roger was one of my friends or something because he got an invitation too.

Anyways it was early in the party and we were outback jumpin on a trampoline while my mom was busying herself with preparing things. A few people had already arrived when Rog (Half the time he'd only respond to Rog, only adults could call him Roger) showed up at the door with his present in hand. No one answered the door and he let himself in. We didn't even know that he was in the house when he apparently heard the call of nature. He wasn't familiar with our house or something and couldnt find a bathroom within sight of the front door(i know its hard with these inventions called hallways) and seated himself above a punchbowl that was on the table next to the door, entirely removed his pants, and began to take a nasty tard shit, right into the punch bowl.

Just as he was mid-turtlehead pokin out several other guests arrived, and walked in to find this greasy, rib-thin guy with the happiest look on his face makin a boom-boom in my Kool-aid. At the shock of being walked in on he grabbed his gift for the part and ran out the door, without his pants, and down the street back to his house. His mom made him apologize but we still had to clean it up.

Comander Tard

I saw this on FacePunch.com. I'm not sure where it came from originally.

I'm sitting in my final period class--study hall 'cause I'm a lazy SOB-- listening to the tard in my class babble on about nothing in particular and occasionally laugh that goofy tard laugh.

You have to understand: this is in rural Pennsylvania, a few miles outside of Gettysburg, so not only is the kid retarded, but he's a redneck military lunatic. He has this camoflauge backpack that he carries with him and talks to all the time (its name, apparently, is "Commander"-- I can't make this shit up).

Anyway, he had just come from P.E. class, and he smelled worse than usual. I mean, he usually smelled like a tard that never bathed and had just taken P.E., but-- shit, today it was really bad. One of the assholes in the class (a senior) looks at him and asks why he smells so bad.

"Not me," he says.

"Not you? Then what smells so bad?"

"Lieutenant."

"Lieutenant?"

"Yup."

At this, the tard proceeds to reach into his backpack and pull out a skinned squirrel. I'm not shitting you. The thing smells like it's been in his backpack for a couple of days at this point. So he pulls this thing out of his tardpack and then--AND THEN--he starts to fucking GNAW on the squirrel's head.

Christ, it was disgusting. By this point, girls have run screaming from the room, and at least one of the guys has puked. The "study hall supervisor" (also our P.E. instructor) comes back from the bathroom amid all the racket. He comes in and sees the tard chewing on something and decides to confront the tard about it (against the rules to have food, you know).

"Hey, whatcha got the--OH, SHIT." He immediately goes into deal-with-the-fucking-tard mode and soothingly coaxes the tard into removing the squirrel from his mouth.

The tard complies, then looks right in the supervisor's eyes and says, deadpan, "Commander doesn't like Lieutenant." I don't know what happened to him after that; he was transferred out of study hall and kept in the all-tard classes from then on.

Retards Love Stretchy Things

This is an oldie but a goodie from the old Tard Blog.

I generally keep my desk locked. There are many things in there that could hurt a tard, and trust me--the first thing a tard tries to get is the thing that will hurt them the most. Paperclips, rubber bands, pushpins, white out, glue, etc; these are all magnets for curious tard hands. It is for this reason that I try not to unlock my desk unless I absolutely have to.

Today I needed an envelope for a progress letter that I was sending to a parent. I foolishly forgot to re-lock the top drawer of my desk.

Angelo has had problems before with playing with things he shouldn't. He tends to get obsessed with things that stretch when you pull them. He once almost tore the skirt off of one of his classmates because of the way it stretched. Today, because I left my desk open, he managed to get to my rubber band box while I was preparing my first group to walk to PE class.

By the end of the day he started wimpering. I repeatedly asked him what was wrong, but he wouldn't say. He just gave me a teary eyed look and said that he didn't do anything wrong.

Finally as we were lining up to leave he pulls down his pants and starts screaming.

This doesn't surprise me, as it is more common than one might imagine in a tard class. I go to hike his pants back up and ask him what was wrong. It was then that I noticed he had wrapped a rubber band around his penis several times, and that it was starting to turn purple.

I was fucking floored. I walked him down to the nurse, where she removed it and I called his mother to tell her what happened.

I decided not to punish him, I think he's punished himself enough already.

People with down syndrome sings

Put on your crash helmet and grab your drool cup and watch a concert full of tards!

Fat Autistic

Here is a video of a fat retard. He is acting Autistic. Now, this is what the adult aspie acts like.

Tard Lobotomy

so heres one a friend told me from when he went to school some years ago told in his perspective.
Obviously fake store I got from lolsaywhat.com. Its still funny.

>be 15 i think
>tard in class to help promote equality and not make tards feel different
>tard gets out pencil and sticks it up his nose
>slams head down on table and send pencil into his brain
>dies

friend swears to god this really happened and i of course believe him. and as soon as he told me i was reminded of batman when the joker does it with the black guy (but got it in the eye instead of the nose).

"magic happened" is now a phrase we use when we talk about tards because of that tards "magic trick".

Tard on the Subway

Here's a lovely story I got from lolsaywhat.com. Reminds me of an autistic friend of mine.

>at subway station
>turn corner in stairwell
>tard is crawling slowly up the stairs in animal mode
>It's just me and him
>Me: Uh... Do you... need some help?
>He stares at me
>drool trickles down his face
>I turn and keep walking
>his hand slips and he falls clean on his face
>MOOOOOOOOOOOO
>burst into laughter and run away

Fat Retard Jiggles in his Underwear

Watch this fat retard sing and jiggle his 400+ pound body. He is wearing nothing but his underwear with the shit stain in the back. Just watch the damn thing, nothing I can say can make this more funny.

Typical Aspie Doing What They do Best!

Here is a video of a typical 6-year-old Autistic. She is still in diapers. Aspies have a lot of problems toilet training. Even Christian Weston Chandler is an adult example of assburgers who still shits his pants. She communicates in nonverbal grunts. Just like your typical autistic. Watch and learn about how autistics really are!

Sex Addicted Tard is Pregnant With 20th Child

Okay, this just makes me sick with the amount of resources this sow is wasting. Yes, you guessed right if you guessed I am talking about Michelle Duggar. According to the Huffington post this nasty thing is pregnant with her 20th child!

Noone can possibly take care of 20 children! No, her solution is having the older children look after the younger ones while she gets filled up with more sperm so she can shit out her next abomination. There is not thought of stealing away the childhood of the older kids who have to watch over these children and change their shitty diapers. When you think of it, she is the white trash queen! She feeds her sex addiction and hording of babies and doesn't give a shit about anyone else.

Now, you might say she is in that cult that does not believe in birth control... at all. There are ways around this, just fuck on your period or don't fuck at all. Not an option for this lovely addict. Its convient that her cult makes her wear skirts, because she can just squat and shit out a fetus and then be back to fucking!

Here's the article to read while I go spew copious amounts of vomit: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/08/duggar-family-expecting-20-child-michelle-pregnant_n_1081530.html

Thinning Out the Tard Herd

Here's a video of the first gift we get over the Fistmas season. These Tards full of the Holiday Spirit stampede through a Target store to save a couple of bucks on a cheap toy. Of course, tards don't give a shit about anything but getting that shiny new toy! A man gets trampled by the overweight tards and well, none of the care. He's blocking the entrance so they can't get their new shiny toy!

Thank God I no longer work retail. When I did, I would see retardation like this every year. I got to see the full Holiday spirit of trampling each other, fist fighting other customers, and of course abusing employees. I do get a laugh every time one of those ass-holes get trampled. Come on, those retards don't even realize that they aren't getting much of a deal.

When I worked at Wal-Mart I would look at the markdowns. Four dollars for five dollar pyjama pants. 10 dollars for jeans which are normally 11. Yeah, my life is worth a lot more than a dollar!

Autistic Retards are Dangerous

Here is a garden variety autistic describing about how tried to run over a man with his car in 2010. He reason he had an aspie tantrum was because this man was the manager of The Game Place that banned him. He was upset because he tried to apologize and the manager would not accept his apology, so he had a tard tantrum and tried to run him over.

Then, on October 28, 2011, this butt-hurt autistic drove back up to The Game Place to start another confrontation. He was arrest. His name is Christian Chandler. November 7, 2011, will be his trial. This autistic celebrity of the Internet may spend a long time in prison. Now, its time find another autistic LOLcow to make fun of.

Black Tard Show Us How to Use the Toilet

I guess this is a big day for "her". She is using the toilet for the first time and is singing about it like a 3-year-old. I guess we should applaud this tard for learning such a valuable skill. Her handlers have less diapers to change.

Worthless Fat Fuck Says, "I'm Hungry!!"

This is a video of a fat tard. Well, she may be a genius. She gets to lay around and eat all day while slaves cater to her every obsessive desire. There is lots of lulz when she says lardassians don't eat that much and sometimes she has to force herself to eat. LOL I don't see her skipping a meal ever! Its not like this is an annorexic. No, she spends more time horizontal than I ever could. Maybe she doesn't know why she's fat. Or that food causes obesity. Let's keep that secret to ourselves!

Dreams

Here's a video of down's tards. They are talking about dreams. Most of their dreams include not flinging poo and smearing it on walls.

Tard Plays Fetch

Here is one from LOLsaywhat.com. It is obviously fake.


i found the lack of tard stories on here disturbing, so here's what happened a few weeks ago when i was going home from work.

>just finished work, late in afternoon>have to cross a few streets to get to parking garage>stuck at crossing with large group of people>theres a mother and her young tard son>hes barking and thinks he's a dog>he's roofing at me and trys leg humping a stranger>she shouts at him and tries to control him>he calms abit, everyone is looking at him, hes now growling>get epic idea>get newspaper out of briefcase>throw into on coming traffic and shout FETCH!>tard barks and runs into traffic>mother screams >tards gets hit by car>car was slowing down to turn, so it wasnt going really fast>tard was knocked over, bleeding, crying and screaming>crowd gathers, light turns green, i cross street>go home and lulz to myself but feel a little bad about it
>saw tard again some time later>broken leg and scratched up face>glad he was ok... well, sort of ok anyway

Retard on the Bus

I got this lovely one from lolsaywhat.com:


>be on bus going to work (get a bus since its cheaper than driving)>sitting in middle of bus>group of tards get on>seats start to fill up with tards>i have the last seat>loud breathing fat tard sits next to me>breathing like he is trying to catch his breath>continues for half the trip>suddenly there is what i assumed is water flowing down the aisle>tards at very back of bus start getting rowdy>male tard lets out "MINDY PEED HUHUHUHUHUHUHU">"water" was actually tard piss>glad i wasnt at the back but mad i have to step in it to get off bus>tard next to me still breathing loud>keeps trying to touch my fucking leg>he smells like shit so one hand is holding my nose while the other stops the tards hands>finally at my stop and try to get up and leave>tard wont move (i sat next to the window)>ask him to "please move as this is my stop">still tries to touch my leg>repeat 2 more times>patience running out>ask one more time>still trying to touch my leg without saying a word>cant stand it anymore and punch the chunky fuck in the stomach and shove him out the the seat with my foot>other tards are making noise>fat tards makes strange hurr noise on the ground>i step past him and get off the bus
i used to feel sorry for tards. i would be nice and try to help them. but there's only so long i can keep my cool with their retarded ways.

Tard Tantrum

Another 4 Chan Story‎

>Highschool
>lunch time
>tard tries to cut in the lunch line
>admin stops him
>starts to flip his shit, running around the cafeteria screaming obscenities and flicking people off
>he flips his shit when people hiss at him
>whole cafeteria starts hissing
>he runs up to a vending machine and starts smashing his head against it, it breaks
>school cop detains him, brings him outside
>earlier admin comes out too
>tard gets pissed at admin, tries to fight him
>cop throws his ass to the ground

Helmet Tard Pete

A lovely story I got from 4 Chan.‎


>Elementary School.
>Had this kid we used to call 360 Pete since he would run down the hallway, jump and spin in a 360
>One day at recess Pete lost his fucking mind and decided to headbutt the school's brick wall over and over and over.
>He hit the wall so hard he took chunks of brick out of it and had blood everywhere
>Now 360 Pete wears a helmet.

Assorted Tard Stories

Here's some more tard stories from lolsaywhat.com.


>2nd grade>tard in gr 3, this kid was like 10/10 retarded. he wore the same pair of sweatpants everyday, weighed at least 200 lbs, as wide as he was tall, and was balding. legit. there were huge patches of his tard hair missing.>this fucker peed everywhere he could.>tard pisses in boot room>more specifically, pissed inside a kids shoe>nice hammock made of blue rope in playground at school>one day tard pisses in it>whole fucking hammock smells like piss>tard trollface when school removes it
>Gr 10>best friend has fat black retarded chick named tracy on his bus>every fucking day tracy sings along to hannah montana on her fucking late 90s walkman cd player>loud and annoying as shit>whole bus throws carrots at her one day>she cries and tard rages, bus driver installs cameras>shit gets so bad driver puts in seating plan>my friend gets tracy's former seat>when bus driver tells him this he gets super pissed>DO I LOOK FAT, BLACK, OR RETARDED?>whole bus cheers
>be in gr 12>tard on my bus>favorite tard ever>short, arabic, two lazy eyes>this kid physically cannot maintain eye contact with anyone or anything>super polite but occasionally swears like a sailor so it's really funny>will laugh has ass off if you say "shit" or "fuck", thinks tourettes guy is the funniest thing ever.>obsessed with christmas>has been singing christmas carols every day on the bus since the end of september>carries around an iphone which he shows to everyone, only two things on it are national lampoons christmas vacation and tourettes guy clips>every picture on his facebook (yes, this tard has fb) is christmas related>kid has no memory; i talk to him everyday and i'm still not sure if he knows who i am>bring guitar on the bus everyday and he always asks if its a guitar>wants to be a paramedic>calls every girl he meets beautiful, honestly means it>mfw this tard is a nobler gentleman than i

Typical Autistic Online

I found this shit on lolsaywhat.com. This sums up most asspies I know.


Now, normally, I avoid calling people with Autism/Asbergers "Tards", as most of the people I know with this condition are extremely smart. And I am certainly not an advocate for bullying; I am an extremely nice person.
However, everyone has their boiling point, I have to make an exception in this rule, for a boy named "Ace."

His REAL name is Robert. However, he insists that everyone calls him Ace. Ace has EXTREME Autism or some shit. He likes zombies and anime.
The way he talks about women and girlfriends, it is SO fucking obvious he goes on 4chan.
So, armed with this knowledge and fed up with being nice to him [If you're nice to him he LATCHES ON TO YOU LIKE A FUCKING PARASITE.] I decided to exact my revenge.

>start out slowly>reference memes a lot around him>notice funny looks but he's too beta to fucking say anything>he is EXACTLY that dude on 4chan who bitches about "HURRRRR DEEEERRRRRRRP FRIENDZONE WIMMIN SUCK HEEEEEEEERP">so therefore, says nothing>gradually increase as days go by>start referencing moot in front of him>notice he's starting to get SUPER pissed>can't believe he hasn't burst out by now>continue this torture for a bit>before, finally, in the lunchroom:>"HAY GUISE GO ON 4CHAN SOMETIME LOL /b/ IS AWESOME">Tard rage in 3, 2, 1...>Ace FLIPS THE FUCK OUT>starts screaming "RULES 1 AND 2 FOR FUCKS SAKE">Ace also has this really annoying crack in his voice so this makes it x9001 as lulzy>starts screaming and carrying on>Tard wranglers grab him after he throws a milk carton at me>drag him off>entire lunchroom bursts out laughing
I'm planning to dress up like V from "V for Vendetta" on halloween to have a sequel to this tard rage.

Also, just so we're clear: No, I don't think 4chan is LOLOLSORANDUMXD, nor do I consider the retarded "RULES 1 AND 2 FAGGOT" statement to be valid. /b/ is not fucking fight club.

Banana Ready!

This is one of my favourite retards from lolsaywhat.com. The min visuals on this are awesome!

A few weeks had gone by since I'd seen the homeless fap tard/Banana Ready since he wore a yellow jacket and apparently always jerks off in the lobby toilets. Hence, he was dubbed Banana Ready by my co-workers.

So on this particular day, all the parking at the front was taken since I got there an hour late because of traffic. Instead, I had to go park around back where the dumpsters were. I was getting my briefcase out of the backseat of my car when I heard some rummaging coming from a dumpster nearby. I turned around and saw it moving slightly (it was one of the dumpsters with wheels). Then, up pops the head of Banana Ready. He quickly looks around, sees me, and stares at me for a few seconds. It felt like hours. But eventually his head slowly went back into the bin.

I continued grabbing my briefcase and coat when the dumpster start to make banging noises and moved about alot. And before I knew it, Banana Ready was partially standing up (not weraing his shirt or jacket) in the dumpster trying to move it by rocking it. And sure enough, he got it to move. The entry to the back has a slope that you drive in on from the street. So, when the dumpster rocked over to the slope, gravity took over.

As it started to roll down the slope he stood up and held onto the sides. He was totally fucking naked. Then it gained speed and flew down the slope and continued onto street level. Luckily, the cars had red lights, so none were moving. So for those people in the stopped cars, they got to see a naked retard riding a dumpster across the street in front of them.

It quickly hit the curb across the street, tipped over and Banana Ready crawled out, grabbed his clothes and backpack, and took off into an alley.

I haven't seen him since and this was almost a week ago. I'm hoping he's ok. I want to see what he does next. Tomorrow I will ask some of my co-workers if they have any stories about him.



Some of you might remember my stories of Banana Ready right? Well he came back a little while ago (after the dumpster joyride incident).

>be at work on a Sunday>was in lobby talking with a few people>Banana is outside leaning against the glass>he's dirty as fuck and his yellow jacket is barely yellow because of the mud>dont think he knows people are in the lobby>starts making DURR sounds>we all stop mid conversation to listen to him>friend snickers abit>suddenly louder DURR>i laugh abit>tard turns around>sees people inside smirking at him>he mad>walks to glass doors of buildingram mode: ENGAGED
>runs at door like some kind of retarded Rhino making DURR noises>hits door and falls down>we fucking lose it and laugh>hes not moving anymore>laughing stops after a minute, we are worried he is dead>he gets back up as we approach the door like nothing even happened>he strolls off down the street, but is walking like hes drunk>we laugh again
He's done a few things before this, but I didn't think they were awesome enough to post here. This is the only really funny thing he's done sine the dumpster joyride.

Robbie the Retard

    Here is my favourite retard on 4-Chan!


>Background info on Robbie the Retard
    >It was the early and mid 90s in California. The school system paired one to two special needs kids in each classroom during the day for periods of time.
    >There were five special needs kids who I remember. Issac was severely autistic, and he was cruel, and you could tell wheels were turning in his head, that he had something dark in him
    >Robbie was Robbie. He was generally VERY HAPPY. Let me stress that, the incidents that occured with Robbie were usually because he was provoked. None of us had the balls or want to provoke him. We knew his capablities. Most of us had gone to school together since Kindergarten, and Robbie started out with us there.
    >He could throw desks in Kindergarten if he wanted to, as he did twice. He hurled them. It was scary. By 3rd grade, everyone in 3rd and below KNEW not to fuck with Robbie.
    >I had started giving him pepperoni's in the first or second grade because I would get them in sack lunches. I liked them too, but my mom always gave me a whole package or some shit, and that was way too much. Other than that I had no real contact with Robbie. I spent most of my time in our group of friends.
    >The other three in the Special Ed were also handicapped in some way. Two of the girls were supertarded, and they didn't really interact often. Another was named Steven. He was a fat, asshole, son of a fucking whore, who was almost normal but just... fuck him. Still to this day, just fuck him. He would go around stomping lunches.
    >His shirt was ALWAYS covered in grease, and he would laugh when he sadistically fucked with you. Thank god he was dumb.
    >Robbie hated the other special ed kids because he thought he was better, and they also annoyed him. We would hear him down the hall yelling at them to "BE QUIET" or "SHUT UP!" or "WAAAAAGH YOU STUPID!"




    >In third grade, there was a kid named Tristan, he was a crack baby. He did really weird shit, like poking people in the ass with sticks he would find, or with pencils.
    >One day Tristan poked Issac in the ass with a stick, and Isaac didn't do shit, because well, he was autistic and out there.
    >This is during PE when all the grades are together, when Isaac's handler caught what happened she reprimanded Tristan (who had no handler) and got the attention of one of the teachers.
    >We're playing dodge-ball, something we fucking LOATHED to do when Robbie played. That shit hurt. He could hurl that fucker. But since he had poor aim, it was easy to avoid. The round was about to start so we were all lined up.
    >I was on Robbie's team (go figure, everyone wanted to be on his team). There were 5 special needs kids, and then the rest of us, in all. They didn't play, only Robbie. Tristan was just above special needs.
    >Tristan tried to sneak up behind Robbie with the stick, all of us told Tristan to GTFO. Robbie turned around and saw and said "NOOOO!".
    >Teachers aren't looking because Isaac has a mini-seizure. Tristan pokes Robbie in the ass.
    >WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!
    >All the adults snap their head, and see Robbie slamming each dodge ball in the basket into Tristan's head. Tristan's face is already red, and he is cowering on the ground, with each ringing blam.
    >Robbie picks up the cart, and slams it down on Tristan. -Adults tackle and get ahold of Robbie
    >Tristan is suspended and isn't seen until 4th grade.
    >Tristan still pokes people in asses with sticks in 4th.
    >Motherfucker can't learn lessons or some shit. Does it again to Robbie.
    >A month later Tristan comes to school with an arm cast. Robbie had apparently slammed him so hard into a wall, and then into one of the dodge-ball poles, that he broke Tristan's wrist and one of the bones in his arm. Robbie never fucking gets in trouble.


    >4th grade
    >Kid in class named Robbie, who is retarded, and Issac, who is autistic
    >We all get meal-worms to raise into beetles to learn about metamorphosis, and the stages of it
    >Robbie drools and can't talk well, but loves his mealworms. Claps the day they come out of their pupa stage as beetles, and names them "Bom" and "Om"
    >Issac's caretaker does most the work for him. Same day his beetles come out
    >Issac stabs his beetles with a pencil, killing them
    >Robbie is infuriated. Screams "YOU NOT HURT FRIENDS!" - entire class goes silent.
    >Isaac stares back blankly. Recess. We come back, and Isaac is sitting at Robbie's special desk - stabbing the beetles.
    >Robbie comes in, sees this lets out a Warhammer cry of WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH, and proceeds to violently beat the shit out of Isaac.
    >Isaac fights back by grabbing the desk and hurling it at Robbie, Robbie is hit and it looks like he is KOed. Then he roars again.
    >Rushes Isaac like a linebacker while the teacher is screaming stop and the aides are trying to stop it.
    >Isaac is thrown from the room by the force of the hit, Robbie effortlessly picks up the old wooden desk, and hurls it at Isaac, slamming him.
    >Robbie then screams "NO HURT FRIENDS"
    >Everyone scared shitless. Robbie assigned to a different classroom. We're stuck with Issac who stabs other people's beetles too, until he is removed as well
    >Robbie returns to our class, everyone takes fucking good care of their beetles.


    >Related: The day after his beetles were killed Robbie had a retard funeral for his beetles, with other retarded kids on the playground. No one was allowed in that area, or retards would growl at them and get angry.


    >5th grade. Same Robbie. Robbie was sitting rocking back and forth under a tree, which was what he did most days during recess, usually watching bugs and shit.
    >One of the 6th graders (who everyone hated) slammed him in the back of the head with a volleyball. Robbie is stunned, rocks forward, and faceplants.
    >6th grader claims it was an accident (we saw what happened, we knew it wasn't). Robbie gets up and screams while crying "WHO HURT BALL ME"
    >6th grader points at me.
    >Oh. Fuck.
    >Robbie doesn't believe him. I had been giving Robbie my lunch food since 3rd grade, he liked pepperoni and I always had too much of that shit
    >Turns around and looks at 6th grader, who is almost a foot taller. SLAMS HIS HAND INTO HIS CROTCH
    >6th grader falls to the ground screaming as Robbie fucks his shit up, with his retard strength. Screams "HOW YOU LIKE HURT"
    >Other 6th grader friend hits Robbie over the head with his book bag. Robbie fucking RAGES. I'm backing the fuck away at this point, teachers and kids are running to the fight.
    >Robbie goes "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH" and fucking drops the 6th grader, then stomps on his balls, picks him up, and hurls him against the tree.
    >Get home later that night.
    >Think about what happened.
    >Ask mom to pack extra pepperoni
    >Robbie gets entire stack, and says quietly "You not hurt me" and gives me a slobbered retard hug.
    >Someone snickers.
    >WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
    >They run away crying
    >Robbie laughs his ass off.


This was 4th Grade, before the mealworm incident btw. We were learning about volcanoes. We had food coloring and had to build volcanoes. Everyone made cinder-cones, except for me and one other kid.
>We made a shield volcano, it was shallower. Robbie was paired with Isaac. Isaac sat there just staring off. Robbie put in a lot of work into his retard volcano. It looked more like a buttplug, but it served its purpose.
>Isaac started eating the fucking thing. It's some kind of play-dough mix or some shit. You could smell the salt. Robbie sees this, and so he tries a part. He spits it out and yells "ISAAC YOU STUPID". Everyone turned to watch now.
>Isaac looked back, and then threw the volcano on the ground, shattering it, spilling the insides. Robbie started to cry, because he spent all his time on it. The attendant apologized to Robbie.
>Isaac got up, and then looked down at it, and stepped on it. A moment later he was on his ass and Robbie had broken the top of his desk off to get up. It was wood, not the metal kind where you have the wood panel above, and metal bars holding it together. The board had knocked Isaac down.
>Robbie didn't get any shit for that because it was blamed on the desk. We all made Robbie a new volcano. He squeed and shit and was happy and kept saying "I love you" to all of us the rest of the day.


    >Robbie goes to the same middle school, as I and my friends. Same school district.
    >A lot more people go to this school than we know, some from poorer areas, a lot are mexican and a lot are black.
    >Gangs and shit are already starting at this point. The retards are all in separate classes now, because they wouldn't be able to keep up with the rest of us.
    >I hear a commotion outside one day, there is a pizza vendor. He wouldn't give Robbie pizza. Robbie had money, and had an attendant there, and for some reason the guy kept saying no.
    >WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
    >I knew instantly what that meant.
    >Watch vendor cart flip across the grounds, condiments, sodas, everything flipping out of the push-cart and flying everywhere.
    >Police guard rushes out to stop Robbie. This is before the days of Tasers. Robbie overpowers him, but doesn't hurt him. Robbie likes policemen.
    >Robbie chases vendor and throws hotdogs that had fallen on the ground at him, calling him "WIENER MAN"
    >Turns out the dude was sold out of Pizza.
    >Robbie had caused massive carnage because the guy didn't say he was sold out.
    >Robbie gets off Scott free.
    >Later, when he returns to school, a mexican gang starts to pick on him
    >One of them pulls a knife
    >Police dude sees this shit, and arrests them.
    >Robbie follows the police man around and says he is a "Deputy" but pronounces it "Deh poo tay"
    >Finds someone smoking, fucking drops them, holds them in a headlock, and drags them to the policeman, half conscious and nose bleeding.
    >Police guy is like "Wtf" and Robbie shouts "I CAUGHT A CRIMINAL! I AM DEPOOTY! HE SMOKED" Cop tells Robbie to let go, the spic hits the ground. A pack of cigarettes flies out of his shirt, and a lighter.
    >Cop searches him and finds a knife. Kid never seen again.
    >Robbie is lauded at a school assembly
    >No one smoked again on school grounds unless Robbie was absent


    >I didn't see Robbie in highschool until I was in 10th grade. He was behind a grade or two, or had been somewhere else. Our PE period was with him, again, and he was also in the weightlifting class.
    >Robbie bulked out, but always looked fat, and couldn't help the drooling. He could, however, outlift the rest of the class. During one episode he dropped one of the weights (a 50lb) he was putting on the benchpress, and it hit near his foot. It flopped down on his foot, and he threw the thing across the room.
    >There it was, stuck in the side of the wall, a 50lb weight. He said he was sorry to Coach Ted, and well, Ted couldn't blame him. He was retarded. Instant shield from blame.
    >At lunch some of the jocks started to pick on them, and he kept saying to go away. He actually held it together, and they were hard on him too. The next day they did the same thing. I could see his hands twitching, and he would talk to himself, saying "Don't be mad, don't be mad, don't be mad"
    >The asian one insulted his mother, and called her a whore.
    >There was no battle cry.
    >There was no Waaaaagh.
    >There was just his hand gripping the neck of the asian kid, until they had to pry him off. When we were asked what happened, we explained everything. Robbie was not allowed back to school for about a week.
    >Toward the end of the school year, the jock who had started it, started to harass Robbie again in different ways, hiding notes in his locker, trying to scare him. Unfortunately the Jock was not that smart... He got caught slipping in the note. By Robbie.
    >When we left classes there was a commotion, the jock was against the wall with the nurse treating his wounds, the lockers were dented and banged up, and Robbie was nowhere to be seen.
    >He had thrown the jock around like a rag-doll.


    >11th grade, Robbie had started taking band classes, to learn to play something. He ended up with the triangle, and was pretty decent. At assemblies you would see him on stage with it, dinging at the right times.
    >Right as lunch began that day Robbie was running around, he looked worried, and he was frantic asking if anyone had seen his triangle. He had the case, and all the parts, but he was missing the triangle. He looked and looked, and we even helped after lunch.
    >He was desperate to find it at this point, and couldnt cope with losing it. He talked to it, and treated it like a person, so he wasn't one to lose it. His aide lady helped look too.
    >Finally, out of desperation, he started punching the lockers and crying. Ours were the kind that you could tap at the top, and they would open. All our lockers were now bent at the top. All of them.
    >After all of that, and not being able to find it, he went back to band class. Turned out the band teacher had borrowed it from his case and forgot to tell him. He quit band after that.


    >A few weeks after the triangle incident at lunch, and a senior started to harass Robbie, calling him a retard, and a faggot.
    >Apparently he missed the memo.
    >He threw food at Robbie.
    >Robbie threw food back and giggled like he was playing. (Robbie had started some food fights a long time ago on accident, and he would laugh so hard he turned beet red)
    >He came up and punched Robbie in the face, with the aide sitting next to him - she saw the whole thing. Dude was a real prick too. John, Johnny, but spelled gay like Joon or something. His dad was some "bigshot" used car salesman. She (aide) was able to keep Robbie from raging andy further.
    >Then he called Robbie a pussy.
    >Shit got real. Robbie fliped his tray up, and threw it at John, hitting him in the head. John pulled his shirt off, nigger style, and started screaming back to take him, that he would beat the retard so much he'd beat him normal, some real nasty shit. This all unfolded in moments.
    >Dumbstruck, all of us watched as Robbie got up, stood in the isle, and basically just stared John down. It was a classic "Come at me Bro" moment. He then said "I AM NOT A CAT"
    >As everyone was laughing, Robbie charged John, and silence along with "Oh shit" took over, as the rest of the jocks started to pile on Robbie, all of them trying to beat him. One by one he shattered them, threw them, and finally he picked up a tray cart, bloodied and bruised as they chased him, and he flung it at them.
    >Like bowling pins, three of them hit the ground, and the other two were rushing in. By now all the adults were in the fray, the cops were storming in, and as soon as he saw the cops he stopped and smiled. Then John, who I guess had recovered, reched passed the Vice Principal, and punched Robbie again.
    >The cops floored him.
    >Robbie gets away with a total lunchroom destruction, beating a bunch of assholes, and throwing a cart. We didn't see half of those assholes again..


    >My senior year in highschool, I was a computer geek type and had kept my grades up. It was near the senior prom, but our school was gay, we had juniors and sophies, but they were in different areas of the school.
    >Robbie is there, with a retarded girl who looked like part of her head was caved in. We all gathered in the grassy area since they thought we should eat together. Look, these administration folks were more retarded than Robbie.
    >Anyways, she says to Robbie very loudly, as shit music from Cher plays "I DONT LOVE YOU" Robbie drops his drink and runs away crying. She stands there blankly and walks off to her mom who was like, Jabba the Fucking Whore
    >Robbie locks himself in the bathroom. Then I guess he took a shit. But yeah, he was in there and his handler was trying to coax him out, with some of the other adults.
    >Random niggers ran by like cockroaches, seriously, and they pulled down the Vice Principals pants, and ran off, dude is standing there in his boxers as Robbie comes out. Robbie laughs his ass off
    >VP can clearly be heard saying "Sons of bitches" when this happens. Dunno if that had any effect on Robbie.
    >Later on, party is about to end, one of the girls is dared into dancing with Robbie.
    >Robbie gets halfway through the dance, and is smiling that sort of, off in space smile. She backs out and says sorry to him, but she cant handle it or something.
    >Instead of screaming and running away again, he looks around and you can feel the pain the tard is going through.
    >He screams "GIRLS ARE SONS OF BITCSSHES"
    >Random nigger shouts back "GIRLS ARE JUST BITCHES!"
    >Robbie screams "GIRLS ARE JUSHT BITCSSHESSS!"
    >He says this the rest of the night, until his aide/chaparone takes him away. We can still hear him hollering it out the car window.


">>312411959
Issac stories must be added along with the Robbie stories. For each Yin there must be a Yang. God needs The Devil, Superman needs Lex Luthor, Spider-Man needs the Green Goblin.


Tristan can be Doctor Octopus or something."
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL you want to talk fucked up? He would cut himself with plastic knives and laugh as he bled, and try to smear blood on people. He was just, fucked up crackbaby style. Derrel was his polar opposite. He was an angry black youth, who was also allotted some of my lunch food. He came from an extremely poor household, and always tried to be good but failed. However when Tristan started his shit and tried to smear Derrel? I dont know, but Derrel just... beat the shit out of him in like 2 seconds. Fastest fight I had ever seen. It was featherweight boxing fast. He was suspended and expelled in 4th grade because he punched our teacher. He wore a hood that day, because he was very very embarassed about his haircut. For some reason they shaved his head bald and he did not want that and was afraid he would be made fun of. She didn't understand that's what had happened, but he ended up gut-punching her and running away. She was also like, the best teacher ever so we were all like WTF.


We were stuck with Tristan til middle school. He got more and more unstable, and then he finally vanished.

The ABC's of Sex Education for RETARDS!

I'm curently bleeding out of my cunt. However, watching this video made it seem magical and normal. My vaginal bleeding is magic. Its like the sun, the moon, and the stars. It is so fucking amazing.

The ABC's of Sex Education for retarded persn.

Here is a video on teaching retards sex. The last thing retards need to know about. Its not like they are going to fuck anything. Okay, well maybe other tards. Enjoy!

Fat Retard Shits Bed

Retard Covered in Shit

Another good one from www.12ozprophet.com

There was this retard at my school in 7th grade and one day she shit her pants in the hallway and started to eat it. it was the grossest thing i have ever seen. she also used to bite huge chunks of skin off of her hands and bleed all over the place. she is the most disgusting human on earth. another retard in my school had muscular problems and couldn't control her electric wheelchair and would lean on on direction for a long time and would spin around in circles until someone stopped her. it was always funny to see that. another tard in my school used to flip out and beat people up when they called him joseph. he used to kick the shit out of tons of kids until someone beat his face into oblivion. that was in 7th grade and i haven't seen that kid since.
one of my friends has a job at a center that helps tards find jobs and help they function in society and stuff. he has tons of stories about the tards.

Tard in the Lockeroom

I got this from www.12ozprophet.com


Yeah, at my high school there's this well-dressed, large and very muscular disabled kid. He repeats everything you say to him. Once his "tardmaster" allowed him to change in the boys locker room. He removed all of his clothes and ran around, scaring jocks and freshmen. Eventually, his tarmaster grew weary of waiting and began to yell for him. After about a half an hour, he comes running out with his pants down to his ankles and he's pleasuring himself. He tries to pull his pants up at the same time, he's jerkin' it. You can imagine what it all looked like. Anyway, I have a LOT more stories if you wanna hear. BUT in all honesty, these "tardmasters" at our school seriously mistreat their children. I've seen kids with extreme cognative disabilites left unatended, some crying, some have gotten hit or cursed at. In all fairness, many of these children do attack their tardmasters... eh, well, whatever.

Gorilla Tard

I got this from www.12ozprophet.com.

MeroSeis Banned Posts: 1,617 Join Date: Apr 2000 Status: Offline

funny stories about retards. - 04-19-2001, 12:48 AM One time I was on vacation in the Dominican republic and the town retard walked by eating a banana and laughing, and singing incoherently, then he looked at me with his big retard eyes and said "EEYUUUUH...HUMMSUHHH!" while simultaeneously throwing his arms up and stomping the ground like a rabid chimp. Then he walked away like nothing happened. Retarded people are hilarious. Fuck you if you think I'm mean.

Retarded Love

Another one from 4Chan!


i was in college and we were doing this sorority/fraternity hayride thing and I wasnt going to go but a friend of mine in the sorority told me that another girl's sister was in town and had nobody to go with and they didnt just want to leave her alone at the sorority house so i said i would go with her.

she seemed normal looking and stuff not hot but not like disgusting, when i met her before the ride i was already drunk and introduced myself, she was kind of just smiling and i thought she was shy and possibly high because she kept just looking around with these big bug eyes

we went to the hayride and like i was sitting next to her in the van and tried to make some smalltalk and she just kept saying "uh-huh" and shit like that and looking around i figured she was rolling or something. we got to the hayride and shit and it was like a big group so i was talking to a bunch of people and she was kind of just hanging out by me but not saying much. there was a keg set up and stuff and we sat around drinking, she didnt drink anything but she kept wandering off into the woods and her sister would go and bring her back to the campfire/keg, i just figured she was completely fucked up, no worries.
so on the way back in the van like we're sitting next to each other in the back and most everybodys drunk and its dark and all the sudden she just turns to me and thrusts her hand down my pants and starts like rapidly jerking me off hard and fast... she was leaning into my ear and going UGGGGHHH UGGGGGHHH UGGGGGGGGGGG which i thought was just her being all turned on or something. so im trying to be like all silent because theres other people in the van and shes just pounding away on me and grunting over and over and then i cum like all over my shirt and her hand and she takes her hand and licks the cum off it like really exaggerated like and then licks her lips and then turns around and starts staring out the window and im like ok whatever that was cool.

we get back to the sorority house and she gets out and im like "well i had a nice time, if you're still in town for a few days maybe we can like grab dinner or drinks or something" and she just stares at me blankly for like 5 seconds and then blurts out really loud "BYE BYE NOW" and then runs after her sister into the sorority house.

well come to find out the next day from my friend that she was a fucking retard that lived in a group home or some shit from the time that she turned 14 because her parents couldnt handle her anymore and her sister was her legal guardian and the only person who still dealt with her and she wore diapers and shit and yeah basically i was owned and got jerked off by a retard in the back of a van

Special Olympics

I got this one from 4Chan. They have all the best (and now only) retard stories!

I remember back when I was in high school, they came and collected all the people in study hall and made us watch the tard Olympics. Although my peers complained that they had no choice in the matter I was quite entertained watching my mental challenged friends run around. I remember "the hurdles" they were these 1 foot high plastic things you could easily step over. 3 Tards were lined up to complete this challenge. 1 of the 3 was a champion tard, obviously bred to be the best of the tard race he easily dominated the other tards and was not afraid to rub it in their faces which led to more than one tard shouting match. The second one completed the hurdles with little to no difficulty but the third tard required two tard handlers to lift his 200 pound body up over the hurdles as he screamed in terror. The handlers were short staffed that day and even with their best shepherding efforts some of the tards would wander around and one ended up getting run over by a massive tard that reminds me of the tank from left4dead.

Freddie, the Retard With a Rough Puberty

Here is one that is from slowchildren-atplay.com. Sadly this site no longer exists. Why are they getting read of all the good retard sites?

Freddy is what happens when a crack whore has a child. Freddy has been a sexual predator since he first got here. He has to be isolated from his peers, can't sleep with a roommate, and eats separately.

During group where all the kids gather on the couches, Freddy sits at the separate table and I let them know what the day's schedule will be like (same schedule every day for the last 12 years, but somehow none of the retreads can remember it). I looked up to see Freddy sitting on his chair with his back arched, eyes closed and twisting the shit out of his nipples.

This I had not seen before. I responded with a "Jesus Christ, Freddy!" He came to, let go of one nipple and gave a non-chalant, "What?" He forgot to let go of the other nipple.

This is not Freddy's only "vice." For instance, I wasn't the first person to discover Freddy, naked from the waist down, swinging from the bathroom door, fingers interlocked on the top of the door, each thigh resting atop a doorknob so that when he made thrusting movements, the latch would massage his prostate.

Nor have I been the last.

Retarded Freddie Going Through Puberty

Ahh, Summer. What a wonderful time of year. School is out, ...the whole world opens up ...

Unless you're an emotionally disturbed boy growing up in a group home. In that case, you're a couple of years behind other kids your age. You're just barely catching on to trends, struggling to fit into normal society, or "the outside world."

I pulled into work on a hot morning knowing that Trixie, the hot red-head and I were going to be taking a few kids to the waterslide park. Since I hadn't been into work during these last 3 days off, I didn't know exactly who it would be. I did know that we'd be packing a picnic, barbequing, watersliding and generally enjoying getting wet on a hot day.

Yolanda beckoned me to her office as I walked in the house. With her was Sam, the Birkenstock-wearing, flamboyant therapist.

"Hey Sam. Yolanda, what's up?" I was in a good mood because I knew I'd be taking the kids who'd been behaving the best for the last two weeks. This is usually how we determine who gets to go off campus.

"Hi Stokie! How you doin today?" said Yolanda. She was smiling and I knew she was exaggerating. "You sure look fresh and ready to go today. And you know what? We already packed up the van full of supplies and everything!"

"Oh no, Yolanda. What are you about to tell me?" I was laughing because we both knew very well that nothing goes as planned or smoothly in this field.

Yolanda continued, "Sam and I were just having a little talk about Freddy..."

"Oh no, no, no..."

"And we were just realizing that he's been on the highest level of the house for exactly two weeks. He hasn't had any violence, no sexual acting out..."

"That we know of..."

"...And technically speaking, he is eligible for today's outing. So what do you think about that?"

"I think this must be the cold day in Hell that everyone talks about."

Yolanda said in her sugary sweet way, "Ha. I sure love that Stokie Jaye sense of humor. We figured you might say something like that so we thought we would send Freddy on the outing with a one-on-one."

A one-on-one is a staff member assigned to supervise and be with only one kid at all times. I liked this idea, but only slightly better.

"Okay, but who is it going to be?"

"Oh we got that covered. We got the strongest counselor in the house: you."

"Oh shit! I walked right into that one, didn't I?" I laughed, still slightly incredulous.

I turned to Sam. "Sam, I know you want to be Freddy's advocate, but do you really want to be sending a known sexual predator on an outing where there will be hundreds of wet boys and girls in their swimsuits? I mean, don't you think there will be repercussions?"

Sam said, "What I think is that we should give Freddy the same chance that the other residents get when they make a high level. The kid hasn't been off-campus in 10 months, after all." He fiddled with his turquoise bracelet.

"Yeah, but this is the same kid who humps couch cushions and his roommate's teddy bears. The kid will stick his dick into the dryer door if you leave him alone in the laundry room."

Sam was irritated. "I know you don't agree with his masturbatory practices, but you've got to admit, you're being passive-aggressive right now."

I paused and stared at Sam. "I can't believe you just said that."

Yolanda broke the silence. "Well, anyway, you'll be Freddy's one-on-one, and Trixie can handle the other 2 boys, JD and Brian. I just know you're going to have a lovely time!"

"Okay Yolanda," I said as I now turned on my sugary facade, "And Sam, thanks for all the incredible support." Sam folded his arms and sighed.

So, resolved to my fate of hanging out with Freddy the Sexual Predator all day, we loaded up the kids and took off to the waterpark, which was about an hour away.

Since I was driving, the best place thing to do with Freddy was to have him ride shotgun. Freddy was beside himself.

"Can you believe it Stokie? I finally get to go on an outing. And I'm riding shotgun which is where the kids on the highest level rides."

"Even a blind chicken can peck a few corn."

"You're so funny, Stokie. Seriously, what does that mean? You got to admit, I am a lot better. I'll probably be graduating in a couple months. I'm probably the best kid in the house, don't you think? Are we going to be barbequing? I probably know everything there is to know about barbequing. Can I have some money? I want to go to 7-11. I go there all the time. I probably know where all the 7-11's are around here..."

It's only been 10 minutes and I already want to kill him. "Dude, you don't have any say in what we do today. I tell you what to do, not the other way around. We can't trust you, that's why you have a one-on-one. The only reason you're here is because your therapist wants to see how you do in public, to see if you've made any progress. If you start acting out on the outing, I will pack everything back up and bring you back to the house where you can spend the rest of your outing in the Quiet Room. And please don't talk to me about graduating
until you can admit your sexual acting out."

"Geez Stokie, I don't know why you have to throw everything in my face like that."

"I do it because if nobody does it, you will stay in denial."

"Well, you don't have to do it because I don't do that kind of stuff anymore. I quit acting out a long time ago and you know it."

"Freddy, it was 4 weeks ago that you were caught hanging on the broom closet door with your pants off. And that's only what we know of. 4 weeks doesn't mean you don't act out sexually anymore. That's what I mean; you're still in denial."

"I probably know how to drum to all of these songs, so I'm just going to listen to my Walkman." He was quiet until we got to the waterpark.

We paid our entrance fee and as we walked in, we passed the public bathroom and changing room. Freddy suddenly perked up, "I gotta go to the bathroom! Really bad! I'll be right back."

I said, "No problem. I'll come with you."

"Come on, Stokie! I'm 14 years old, I can go by myself. You're embarrassing me."

I said, "And let you loose in there with all those nice children and bathroom stalls? Helllllllllll no! Are you trying to get me fired? Now, we got to find a place for our picnic."

"Actually, I don't really have to go that bad," he said. "Hey there's a good place right there," he pointed to an empty picnic table next to two moms with their 3 toddlers. "I'm probably the best at setting up picnics. Let's go."

I looked around. This was a really big park. As I scanned the area, I noticed a picnic table and barbeque stand about 300 yards away from anybody. Perfect.

The five us us trudged out there and began setting up our lunch and getting the barbeque ready.

Trixie said, "Me, Brian and JD are gonna go to the waterslides. See ya." She was wearing an oversized t-shirt and cargo shorts over her swimsuit.

I said, "Cool, have fun. Nice outfit by the way."

She said, "Wear my swimsuit in front of these guys? And be the subject of a certain someone's twisted fantasies? Helllllllll no!"

They took off for the waterslides and Freddy looked at me like a forlorn puppy.

"But...When are we going to the waterslides?"

"You know what? I'm not quite ready for this, Freddy. Let's all get settled down for a few minutes before we go out there. Tell you what, you say you're good at barbeques? Can you help me cook the hamburgers?"

"Sure! I've been barbequing for years. I always help out the other staff when they barbeque on days you're not working. See, you just dump the charcoal in, make it into a big mound and light it. Oh, I'm gonna need the matches and the lighter fluid. I do this all the time."

He reached out behind him without looking at me. When I didn't put anything into his hands, he snapped his fingers, still without looking at me.

"Freddy? Seriously, you must think I'm really dumb. You just keep trying, don't you?"

I doused the charcoal with lighter fluid and lit it. We watched as the charcoal slowly turned white.

Freddy started again, "Yeah, I always cook at home. Filet mignon, lobster, prime rib, crab legs, garlic bread, salad..."

"I think what you mean to say is that you've been to Sizzler."

"I'm probably the smartest kid in the higher school. I'll probably be skipping a grade in a couple months. I know all the planets."

"Freddy, even a broken clock tells time correctly twice a day."

"We're getting to be good buddies, aren't we? I probably have the best relationship with you out of any of the other kids. That's why we always hang out..."

I started spreading the charcoal out.

He continued, "When did you first go on a date? What did you do?"

A white charcoal fell out of the stand as I was spreading it out.

He said, "Oh, no problem. I'll get it..." And picked it up with his bare hand. "AAAAAAAARRRRHHH! Goddammit! It fucking burns! Owwwwww! Shit, Stokie, why didn't you tell me it was hot? Your outings fucking suck! I got a third degree burn, maybe four! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!"

I stood there and stared at him calmly as he screamed. Inside I was roaring with laughter. I said, "There's ice in the cooler, I'm sure you know what to do with it. Sit down a while. The others are coming back and we'll eat. Then we'll go to the waterslides."

Lunch was uneventful, as all the kids were hungry while a whimpering Freddy iced his burnt hand.

At long last it was time to go watersliding. There is a long path up to the top of the waterslides. The five of us walked up together and about halfway up I stopped. I turned to the kids. "See where we are right now? If you look up and down, you can see everything. From the line to the slides to the pool where you land. Freddy, I'm talking to you. I'm going to stand right here and watch your every move. If you dare talk to one kid who is younger
than you, we're going home. Stick with Trixie and the other kids."

They walked up to the top and to Freddy's credit, he didn't talk to anybody but Trixie. JD was first to go down. He was just as happy as a clam, which was nice to see. As he splashed down, he slowly got out of the pool and stopped right next to the female lifeguard. He seemed unable to move as he stared wide-eyed at her chest.

Brian was next. I watched as he entered one of the tunnels, but only his mat came out the other end. Suddenly, he emerged from the tunnel, stood up and somehow started high-stepping down the waterslide, chubby belly and boy-boobies flopping the whole time. He dove into the next tunnel.

Next Freddy, who slid normally, and then came Trixie. Trixie walked past JD, who was still mesmerized. As they came walking by me, Trixie said, "How do you like JD's pacifier?"

I asked Brian what he thought he was doing, running down the waterslide.

He said, "I fell off my mat. What the hell was I supposed to do." I let it go.

I watched as they went up to the slides and slid down again. I was relieved that Freddy was at least trying to behave, but under no illusions that this wouldn't affect him. And it didn't take long. He went head first on his third ride down, and as he emerged from the tunnel and whooshed past me, I noticed that he was humping his mat. I went down to the pool and told him he was done for the day.

"Aw, come on Stokie, my therapist says it's natural."

"I bet he does, Freddy."

"Well fine. In that case, I'll have to tell my lawyer about how you made me burn my hand."

"Fine," I said. "Whatever story you can come up with about that, my story about you having sex with your waterslide mat will be better."

Freddy sat out the rest of the day. It was late by the time we got back to the house and it was time for the first batch of bedtimes. I sent Freddy to bed early as well. Since Freddy can't have a roommate, we have him take his mattress and "sleep out." He makes his bed down the hallway and next to the door to the side yard. Sleeping out is a regular occurance for a sexual predator. The Night Awake will station himself at the end of the hallway so he can monitor Freddy.

After awhile, the house was quiet, kids were tired and going to bed, and Trixie and I were sitting at the kitchen counter talking. We spoke in our usual code about drinking, going to bars and partying. We were tired and punchy, ready to get the hell out. We always wound up exaggerating our drinking escapades to each other.

I said, "It would be a good night to go out and get a couple of liters of Diet Cokes. Try to relieve some of that frustration of the outing."

"I dunno, Stokie," she said. "I was just at the soda fountain on Friday. I won the soda drinking contest, like always. I ended up sleepwalking that night."

"I've heard about how much you like your Diet Cokes and we definitely need to have a contest. You heard about my escapades when we went out with Manny? My sleepwalking experience led me straight to the stage for my own performance."

The Night-Awake arrived and while he got settled in, Trixie and I went into the staff office to gather up our stuff and leave.

She said, "Dude, you think that's bad? I think back to all the Cokes I drank in college, it's a wonder I'm still around. Some of the crazy shit we did...starting the Blue-Star Nipple Club...that's where those of us girls who have big boobies just drink topless. We'd just use a Blue Sharpie to color stars around our nipples."

Trixie has a way of keeping things interesting. I love working with her.

"Then there was the Ski Club."

"I didn't know you ski."

"I don't in the summer. The Summer Ski Club was just a drinking and streaking club. My roommates called me 'Entrepierna del fuego.' That means 'Entrance of fire.'

"How did you get that name?" I asked.

"Everyone was doing keg-stands. I was wearing a skirt with no panties. You know."

I was thinking about making up a story about how I was drinking and my cock suddenly fell out of my pants. I couldn't believe we were talking about this. Was she making a pass at me or just spilling? As I pondered this, we came out of the staff office. I heard the door near Freddy slowly open.

"Oh shit, Trixie, is that Freddy? Now what?" We walked around the corner and into the hall. Trixie saw it first. She covered her mouth with her hand and walked away. I stood there and saw Freddy ejaculate onto the doorknob. "Hey...get....out..." he struggled to say.

I sent him to the Quiet Room. I walked into the laundry room to get cleaning materials for Freddy and latex gloves for myself. I was completely appalled and shocked. What are you supposed to say when you see something like that? The only thing I could think of was, "Hey Trixie, when you take off tonight, use the other door. This one's the new Entrance of Fire."